Spacing out

I have this weird love-hate relationship with birthdays... my own i mean. It's juz one of those things.
I dread the reminder of how 'old' i'm getting yet at the same time, glad i made it to this age.
I gripe about not being able to do this or that for my celebration, yet when suggestions come my way, i've already marked it as 'been there, done that, can open gift shop for the souvenirs i've collected'. :P
I get sms/calls/FB msgs from a whole bunch of people, yet feel disappointed with the one who didn't.
I'm proud of what i've achieved thus far, yet discontented when i think of others my age who've made it further.

The list goes on... and i often wonder why i struggle with this half-full half-empty syndrome. I always hope and think others deserve the best, and if i can, will make sure that they do. But when good things happen to me, after the initial elation.. i will get panic attacks. It's always the fear of 'Is this really happening? Was there a mistake?' and 'How long will this last before it gets taken away from me?'.

As i thought about this further, the one word that kept coming to mind is 'IMPERFECT'. Perhaps i have become my own prophet of doom. Setting ideals which seem unattainable. Frustrating myself when i don't reach it. Always thinking i'm 'just not good enough'.

AGAIN, i need a reminder to cut myself some slack. That it's (more often than not) ok when things don't turn out exactly the way i want/presume it to be. That this claustrophobic feeling i get is because i have been trying too hard to hold everything together. I need to let go and give myself room to breathe a little easier.

So while i sit here, mind orbiting into some strange galaxy (No.. not going bonkers.. yet. :P), it's becoming a little clearer now. Perhaps 'space' is what i need. Then maybe 'IMPERFECT' will slowly become 'I'M PERFECT'. ;D

Hmm... maybe being a year older has made me a little 'wiser' after all. Hahaha...