Finding new roots

Another 2 days and it'll be a new year. It hasn't been an easy 2009 for me. Heartaches... disappointments... struggles. One would think that's just part of life but what i went through, i think it was more than usual quota. Has the year been really that bad? Well.. yes and no.

I'm still ever so grateful for FQ & family moving back here. It's wonderful that she finally gets the opportunity to grow her cake business (which i was supposed to help but have not been doing much lately.. oops) and that her husband has gotten a good job here. Yes yes... am 'tumpang-ing glamour' but really... am VERY VERY happy that they're back HERE!!

And yes, i'm also grateful for Tsing roping me in to do all sorts of 'personal' projects... just because. I may complain (a LOT.. hehehe) but it hasn't stopped me from agreeing to do it. The 'sucker' in me probably thrives on the challenge and the little victories when it's done. :)

Had it not been for these people, i would probably be wallowing in the mundane. Most times, i have been prophet of my own doom. I allow myself to think i'm not good enough... that what i have is as good as it gets.

Perhaps the biggest (and hardest) decision i made this year was to change jobs. It wasn't an easy thing to do. After 6 years of being in the same agency, one becomes complacent. Things become almost predictable and we start to live in our 'comfort zone'. Taking on this new job was a huge step for me... and not without a lot of mixed emotions. Yet, it was something which was 'necessary' to grow. :)

So as we come to a close for 2009 and look forward to the next year, here's wishing that 2010 will be a greater year and bigger things will spring forth!

Giving back

Life's lessons are never easy. One would think that as we grow older, we should be wiser. And through experience, we learn how to avoid making the same mistakes again. Yet the one thing i keep doing, is believing that if i did enough, i would be duly rewarded. That by putting others before me, they would also pay it forward and this world would be a less selfish place.

I'm not being bitter here. But in the past months, it has become so evident that it's me giving.. and giving even more... and the more i try, more is demanded. Appreciation is little and accusations aplenty. By trying to be objective... to be understanding... i lost myself again. A dear friend pointed out that most times, i already have the answers, yet i still ask questions to seek assurance. Perhaps it's time to remember who matters most.

Love after Love by Derek Walcott
The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

It's the little things...

It was a small cosy corner just near the bar. It was small plates of tapas. It was a small gathering of 6. Even the cake was tiny. But it was the biggest thing anyone could've done for me. Save for a few friends whom i wished could've been there that nite, it was the most awesome celebration a girl could have.

Thank you ALL for being there with me...
... and an EXTRA BIG slobbery kiss to FQ for being crazy enough to make the cake for me!! *HUGS*

Pretty pleased.. with icing on top

I've been neglecting this space again. Not because i want to but there's just been too many things going on for me to sit and write a proper post. And probably, this will not be one either.

Since FQ moved back more than 3 months ago, i've been spending a lot of time catching up. Despite keeping in touch throughout the 10 odd years she's been away, there's nothing like having your best friend back here again.. just down the road. Literally! ;D So much has happened, so much has changed... yet at the same time, it seems as though so much still remains the same. I guess that's what friendship is all about.

And over the past month or so, we've been spending MORE time together than usual (if that's even possible since we already talk/see each other every day :P). Through our love for baking and by someone's request, we started making cupcakes. What started as a small ad hoc 'sale' here and there have somewhat grown into a little business. Within a short space of over a month, we are now getting a steady stream of weekly orders from various people.

It's hilarious when FQ's husband commented that all he hears every day from both of us is "cup.. cup.. cup cup... cup.. cup cupcup...". Hahaha... Even Csu has gotten excited over this venture and started helping us whenever she can. The camaderie over the time we spend measuring, baking, decorating, etc is really amazing. It's also encouraging to have support & good reviews from so many people. We're even starting to have orders for weddings. Woohoo!!

Pardon the pun.. but i think i can safely say that this is sugar... spice... and everything nice. ;)

Celebrate TODAY

My parents used to tell me that when i was a little girl, i loved birthdays. Because of that, my Mum would bake a cake every day just so everyone could sing 'Happy Birthday' and let me blow out the candles. The next day, i would want to do it all over again. ;P Mind you, i didn't want to eat the cake, i only wanted to cut it. Hehehe...

If you ask me now, i have vague recollections of those times. Back then, in my simplistic way, i suppose it's not so much of the cake but what it 'brought' - the celebratory mood... loved ones around me... the happy feelings.

Today, (unfortunately) most of us would decline the offer for cakes/desserts. Reasons = Too much sugar.. too much cream.. too many calories... etc. In many ways, i think we have become so caught up with these that we forget to take little moments to pamper ourselves and indulge a little. Ooh.. am i being a devil's advocate here? Hehehe...

Guess what i'm trying to say is.. don't forget to celebrate 'LIFE'. In the midst of whatever that's gloomy, remember the things that made you smile. And yes, go on.. have a cake if it makes you happy....


and forget the calories. (You can always work it off tomorrow... ;P)

Reflections

There were many times when i started a post only to see it getting more and more depressive. I could've posted it and probably start a chain of pessimistic ones thereafter. Instead, i chose to delete them. Or maybe, as a friend pointed out, perhaps i've already poured out my frustrations to friends in real life that there is no need to write them anymore. :)

Whatever it is, these past months have made me appreciate my friends even more than ever. So where i fail in gratitude, let me express it through this poem from Helen Steiner Rice.

~ ~ O ~ ~

My Thanks

People every in life
From every walk and station,
From every town and city
And every state and nation
Have given me so many things
Intangible and dear,
I couldn't begin to count them all
Or even make them clear
I only know I owe so much
To people every where
And when I put my thoughts in verse
It's just a way to share
The musings of a thankful heart,
A heart much like your own,
For nothing that I think or write
Is mine or mine alone
So if you found some beauty
In any word or line,
It's just "Your Soul's Reflection
in proximity with mine."

~ ~ O ~ ~

Hardly sync-ing... probably drowning

These past few weeks just hasn't been right. I've no appetite to eat. Food seem tasteless. I can't sleep and when i do, i wake up at the oddest hours. I get panic attacks over the most trivial things. Every day is like a 'salmon day' where all i seem to do is fight the currents to swim upstream and in the end, die... or feel as if i did. And the next morning, it starts all over again.

I seem clumsier than usual. I encounter time vacuums when i have absolutely no recollection of what i did. I repeat myself coz i can't remember if i've already said it or if i was planning to.
There are days when i find it difficult to concentrate on even the simplest of tasks. Nothing seems to sync anymore.

I go through days when i don't want to be alone. Yet i'm selective over who i want to be with. Maybe it's pure selfishness to just want friends around and not talk to them. Perhaps all i need is to know that there is someone there to pull me out of the water when i start to go under but not to prevent me from swimming. ;P

*glug... glug... glug...*

Love & coffee

One of the best smells to wake up to is fresh coffee brewing... and i'm sure many will attest to that. ;) Though a lot of my friends/colleagues find it strange that i feel more relaxed (and sometimes to a point..resembling a tranquilized elephant) after a cuppa while others take it to wake up/kick-start their otherwise dwindling 'engines'. What can i say? Caffeine has a different effect on me. :P

But as i thought about it, it is because of my grandmother. She was an early riser and one of the 1st things she would do was to brew coffee. No need for fancy coffee makers or some exotic beans. It was just good old hot water from the kettle and locally grounded coffee which we don't even have a name for. It started with her coming to wake me up for school after she finished making her coffee but after a while, it was the aroma wafting through the house that was enough to stir me from my slumber. For years, that same smell will greet me in the morning. :)

It's been a decade since she passed on. There are times when i will wake up and 'swear' i smell coffee brewing only to realize, she's not here anymore. It's only a figment of my imagination. :(

I don't drink coffee as often now. But once in a while, you will see me parked at a cafe (yes, probably Starbucks as some of you will quickly point out). Ok, especially when i'm tired or stressed. :P The smell of the cuppa does relax me. Even more, it's a reminder of the mornings i used to wake up to, knowing my grandmother was up & about and it's the start of a new day - another 'chance' to make a difference and be a blessing :)

But above all, it's the aroma of her love that still lingers... and i carry it with me, with or without coffee. :)

Dance of life

For as long as i can remember, i've been drawn to Dance. If there's one thing which i regret, it's that i never took classes when i was young. When watching dancers, whether live or in movies, they exude confidence.. poise.. style.. elegance - something which i often feel i lack. You can say it's not too late to learn now, but i know i don't have the discipline (and time) to follow through. My klutziness will probably do me more injury than good. :P

But as i sit here thinking about it, i realize that i have been 'dancing' all this time. Different days, different ways.. all moving to the rhythm of life. Some friends have moved on, to a different circle..a different beat and it's fine. There are times when i have to lead and times when i have to follow. Times when you don't have to have a partner but still move in tandem with the rest.

Once in a while, i will find myself standing alone, looking at the others twirling about me. Then someone will come along, extend a hand and remind me, it's only an interval. :) Sometimes they may stay on for the next dance, sometimes they don't.

So whether you have formal training or can only do the funky chicken dance... whether we can waltz through or just barely wing it...

Shall we dance?

A Pat, A Cake

I manage to catch up with Tara last week after not seeing her for a while. She was griping about the hours put into her job when others shirked their responsibilities, how her work goes unnoticed and that on one occasion when someone bought them cake, it was given to someone else instead. A few days later, Sim called to catch up over coffee and as we got to talking, the conversation seemed to take on the same theme. How unappreciative the bosses are... favouritism amongst colleagues... etc etc.

There have been numerous times when i know the management had to make difficult decisions yet the staff failed to see the reason of it. Instead of looking at how things can be improved, situations were treated with disgruntled murmurings. It made me wonder then, are these 'real issues' or merely a perception of things? Are we expecting pats on the back and rewards for everything we do? Perhaps the question should also be "Have we really done that well to deserve so?".

This is an excerpt from the movie The Devil Wears Prada which made me ponder:

Andy: No, I don't want to quit. That's not fair. But, I, you know, I'm just saying that I would just like a little credit... for the fact that I'm killing myself trying.

Nigel: Andy, be serious. You are not trying. You are whining. What is it that you want me to say to you, huh? Do you want me to say, "Poor you. Miranda's picking on you. Poor you. Poor Andy"? Hmm? Wake up, six. She's just doing her job. Don't you know that you are working at the place that published some of the greatest artists of the century? Halston, Lagerfeld, de la Renta. And what they did, what they created was greater than art because you live your life in it. Well, not you, obviously, but some people. You think this is just a magazine, hmm? This is not just a magazine. This is a shining beacon of hope for... oh, I don't know... let's say a young boy growing up in Rhode Island with six brothers pretending to go to soccer practice when he was really going to sewing class and reading Runway under the covers at night with a flashlight. You have no idea how many legends have walked these halls. And what's worse, you don't care. Because this place, where so many people would die to work you only deign to work. And you want to know why she doesn't kiss you on the forehead and give you a gold star on your homework at the end of the day. Wake up, sweetheart.

SIGH!!

Wired Differently

It has been just one of those weeks when technology decided to go against me. The email server has been going bonkers at the office. Then a few days ago, the broadband at home died. When i tried to use my mobile, there was NO SERVICE! And the next day, at an event, my camera didn't work when i switched in on, even though i had already charged it the night before. AARRGHH!!

Luckily, the mobile & camera was ok the next day but it was utter agony when we couldn't figure out what was wrong with our broadband. Ok, i admit... i'm too dependent on the internet. It felt as if i have been alienated from everyone. Yes, pathetic that i have more friends virtually than in real life. But that's not the point here.

Naturally the 1st thing i did was call the service provider to complain. Then after rounds of checking this, that, try this, try that, area service down, area service ok.... the problem was STILL there. Then i tried disconnecting the wires, modem, router and reconnecting them, called tech friend to ask for advice, fiddle here there, STILL not working. To cut long story short, after having different ones telling me they didn't know how to resolve the problem, i found out it was the phone cable that was broken. So armed with a screwdriver and pliers, i attempted to fix it and VOILA! :D

As i thought about what had happened, it made me realize how easy it is to point fingers at people when things go wrong. In this instance, the 1st thing we complained about was the service provider, how incompetent & inefficient they are. Then being annoyed about no one being able to help. And in end, having to fix it myself.

It brought to mind the various conversations and incidences that i've encountered with friends over the past weeks. How similar it was that we often jump to conclusions about things and get angry 1st. Worse when we fume for days over how unreasonable they are. When sometimes, perhaps what we see on the surface is not really the issue after all. And if you take a bit of time to look at the situation, sometimes it's not that difficult to rectify the 'problem'. Just need to remember we're all 'wired' differently. Of course, important to know which wires not to cross also but i guess a little 'jolt' sometimes helps us learn not to make the same mistakes again. ;)

The First of Many

Ugh.. *groan* is it 2009 already? Gosh... cannot believe i only went to sleep 5hours ago. No, i did not go out partying nor was there any alcohol involved. In fact, i spent the whole time slumped in front of the TV. :P

Sorry, Foodie Queen... i know you said you wanted to live vicariously through me... but all i did was have Ramlee burger, Cheezels, Chickadees & 3-in-1 Nescafe. :) Some celebration eh?

But i DID manage to see the fireworks going off at various hotspots from the balcony. Probably the first time i've managed to see it properly. Usually i'll either miss it coz i lost track of time or the view is blocked. So yeah.. last night was nice.. not Times Square splendour... but still nice. ;)

Anyway... before i forget the real reason for writing this... (i AM still in sleep-deprived stupor)... i just want to say, i hope this year brings better things for everyone. I know the world is in a mess right now.. but hey, we're still here... alive & well. So here's to the first of many greater blessings to come. ;)

Happy 2009!! *hugs*