Spacing out

I have this weird love-hate relationship with birthdays... my own i mean. It's juz one of those things.
I dread the reminder of how 'old' i'm getting yet at the same time, glad i made it to this age.
I gripe about not being able to do this or that for my celebration, yet when suggestions come my way, i've already marked it as 'been there, done that, can open gift shop for the souvenirs i've collected'. :P
I get sms/calls/FB msgs from a whole bunch of people, yet feel disappointed with the one who didn't.
I'm proud of what i've achieved thus far, yet discontented when i think of others my age who've made it further.

The list goes on... and i often wonder why i struggle with this half-full half-empty syndrome. I always hope and think others deserve the best, and if i can, will make sure that they do. But when good things happen to me, after the initial elation.. i will get panic attacks. It's always the fear of 'Is this really happening? Was there a mistake?' and 'How long will this last before it gets taken away from me?'.

As i thought about this further, the one word that kept coming to mind is 'IMPERFECT'. Perhaps i have become my own prophet of doom. Setting ideals which seem unattainable. Frustrating myself when i don't reach it. Always thinking i'm 'just not good enough'.

AGAIN, i need a reminder to cut myself some slack. That it's (more often than not) ok when things don't turn out exactly the way i want/presume it to be. That this claustrophobic feeling i get is because i have been trying too hard to hold everything together. I need to let go and give myself room to breathe a little easier.

So while i sit here, mind orbiting into some strange galaxy (No.. not going bonkers.. yet. :P), it's becoming a little clearer now. Perhaps 'space' is what i need. Then maybe 'IMPERFECT' will slowly become 'I'M PERFECT'. ;D

Hmm... maybe being a year older has made me a little 'wiser' after all. Hahaha...

Ding dong belle

After weeks of being called 'Miss 27 Dresses' by my colleagues & friends, my cousin's wedding has come and gone. It hadn't been easy though. There were countless times when i wanted to just give up and not bother about it.

Don't get me wrong. It's not that i didn't want to help but I was already stretched. With everything else (business-wise) slowing down, we had to worked doubly, if not triply hard to keep the clients. Overlapping projects, long hours, work frustrations, looming deadlines, lack of sleep... add on the wedding coordination... it doesn't take much for misunderstandings to happen and tempers to flare. It was just 'bad' timing... everything demanded my immediate attention, everything seemed to be due 'yesterday'.

I know some felt i was getting the short end of the stick and i should've bailed out, especially on the wedding coordination. Tsing asked if i did all this because i think it's romantic - the wedding and all. Honestly? It never crossed my mind... all this romance/fairy-tale stuff. My focus was simple - it's her day and i want to do my best to support her. Guess it was the execution (of my intentions) that was difficult. :)

As i did my best to be there for her, once again i have been encouraged by different ones who stood by me too. Despite occasional protests of what 'damage' i was doing to myself, i'm thankful that FQ, Csu & Siryn has kept me sane thus far.... or is it keeping me 'insane' ?? Hehehehe.. Tsing cracked me up with his offer of good lawyers in case of manslaughter. :P Others took turns calling/sms-ing to check if i'm still alive. Hahaha....

I guess it's always nice to know there's someone.. or in my case, many who's there for me... even though at times, i didn't know where i was. :P

Hugs to everyone for putting up with neurotic me!!

A new release

I started an extremely looooooong post and ranted to thy kingdom come. Then i came across this on PostSecret. When i clicked on it, the filename showed Figureitoutyourself.


It was easy to read what's on the card but difficult to acknowledge that that's my 'problem'. So now that i've figured it out, the earlier post seemed redundant. Perhaps this is a start to better things.

FQ, i hope it will be the same for you too. *hugs*

A little bubbly

It has always been a running joke among my friends that i am high-maintenance. Moi?!? High-maintenance?!? You must be joking. Hehehe...

So to prove that their point, they decided to take a quick calculation on what i was wearing/carrying the other day. Laptop + handbag + camera + ipod + clothes = enough to feed a family of 5 for a whole year. And with that, they concluded that no man will be able to 'afford' me. *groan*

Weiiiiiiii!!! That's not fair. I PAID for all those things myself.... with my own money. And those things were bought over a period of time. AND i eat 'chap fun' like everyone else. *ok Tsing, if u're reading this part, stop laughing.

Ok, so what if i indulge in my fav coffee once in a while or dine at a cafe instead of a roadside stall? Dayum.. someone just said this to me "You have an inclination to champagne but only earn enough to pay for dishwater".

Sheesh.... so fine.... both hv bubbles in them. Nothing wrong with preferring the sparkly right? *hic*

The driving factor

A while ago, i allowed someone else to take the wheel. Thinking that maybe.. just maybe... i can learn to 'sit back' and see a different view. But somehow, by allowing myself to 'trust without question', i found myself stranded by the wayside. To realize how far i've been steered off course. To think that THAT was the way i wanted to go when the roadsigns along the way pointed otherwise. And harder still to find my way back. How foolish i was to think there would be roses when all i got was thorns.

I am back on this road called 'life'. But instead of embracing it like a familiar friend, i have been beating myself up for taking a wrong turn. Trying hard to make up the 'lost time' , i charged full speed ahead. Everything else became a blur as i raced on at breakneck speed. Thinking that if i moved faster, everything will be rosy again.

And in doing so, i have (once again) lost sight of what's important. In my impatience, i have been frustrated when i don't see immediate results. I have forgotten that it's the journey, not so much the destination, that matters. That it's also the pit stops along the way that recharges me.

Now, i find myself running on empty. I'm not lost....but i don't know where i am also.